


Space Boy, I Saw A Lunar Eclipse

by Imdying



Category: GOT7
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, EVENTUAL yugbam, I don't want to tag ships bc it's a spoiler, Jackjinbum love triangle, M/M, Yugyeom wants the whole team, and he’s not that good at his job, just know that Yugyeom comes this close to sleeping with /everyone/, ok fine I'll tag ships, sci fi, somehow?? still a coffee shop AU????, there are no tentacles in this i’m so sorry to say, yugyeom is basically a sextronaut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:14:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27873629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imdying/pseuds/Imdying
Summary: Yugyeom gets sent to Earth with one mission, and one mission only: Find a human, and figure out whatever the hell sex is.Turns out, it’s a lot more complicated than it looks, and he’ll be lucky if he gets out with both his heartandhis genitals intact.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung/Jackson Wang, Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam/Kim Yugyeom
Comments: 20
Kudos: 53





	1. Signal 보내 signal 보내

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hits blunt* this came to me in a dream

When Yugyeom comes to, the first things that hit him are the lights and that _smell._

All around him, the streets are lined with neon pinks and reds, bathing the inhabitants in their brilliant, otherworldly glow. But much more pressing is the smell. Underneath everything, there is a certain note of smoke and soil that tinges the air, entirely different than the citrusy aroma that Yugyeom is so used to smelling. The current scent that is overwhelming him, however, is sour, and it confirms his growing suspicions.

Yugyeom has been dropped in a dumpster.

It was certainly a rougher crash-landing than was advertised to him. He’d have to file a complaint to Hyung-shik down in Navigations, at the very least.

He sits up to make eye contact with a strange creature with tiny paws rifling through the garbage. So this was Earth.

Noise starts to trickle into his ears, muffled music and chatter, signaling the return of his other senses. Yugyeom takes the opportunity to observe this new form of his. There’s an arm on either side of his torso, that much is still the same. Two long legs, in the rough proximity of his regular height. A mouth, full of teeth a little less sharp than his original set. All things considered, he doesn’t actually feel all that different, but he guesses that’s the point.

Humans were remarkably similar to them, the main difference being—

Oh, right, Yugyeom thinks, as his hands find the front of his dark, nondescript pants. Well, that’s. Different.

They had been studying the people of Earth for a little while now. Despite the humans’ exceedingly complex web of history, cultures, and languages, their scientists had made exceptional progress in their research fairly quickly. In many ways, they felt that these people from earth, Homo Sapiens as they liked to call themselves, were almost a parallel species to their own, with remarkable similarities. There was just this one hurdle the research team couldn’t seem to overcome, running into it over and over again in their explorations.

Sex. No one in the entire HQ building could make heads or tails of it. And yet it popped up again and again, seemingly dominating entire facets of civilization; guiding war, invention, and just about everything else one could think of too.

Of course, intellectually they understood it; sex was a means of reproduction and furthering the human race, and it supposedly felt pretty good too. That still didn’t explain the ridiculous obsession they seemed to have with it. Dr. Feng from the Anthropology department has a theory that intercourse grants humans special powers for a short time after they engage in it. Dr. Yamada from the Anatomy department thinks he’s an idiot.

And so, that’s how Yugyeom got roped into this whole thing. Poor Yugyeom, who works in the _arts_ department of all places, shoved into this foreign body and dropped onto the smoggy surface of an alien planet. It had taken a considerable amount of asking, begging, and finally blackmailing from the assistant commissioner of the Human Research team, Seokmin, before Yugyeom caved in.

When Yugyeom had asked, loudly and repeatedly, why one of the scientists from the research team couldn’t do it, they spouted off some bullshit about an “impartial observer” and Yugyeom displaying a “compatible disposition for what they hypothesize humans find attractive”. Personally, he just thinks none of them wanted anything to do with the gritty details of “sex”.

Yugyeom had heard some things. It had been the talk of their workplace for a while now, people wildly speculating about the thing that could trip up their world-renowned staff so easily. And every time anyone spoke of it, it was with a barely concealed veil of disgust.

Yugyeom rolls over onto his side and tumbles directly into a puddle. Earth sure is doing a _dazzling_ job of leaving a good first impression. He does his best not to think about what kind of liquid the puddle comprised of. It’s fine! He’s here now, it's fine, and there's no use in complaining.

“ _Are you finally awake, you big baby?”_ A distant voice comes crackling to life.

“ _Mark!”_ Yugyeom opens his mouth to say, but echoes inside his head instead. Wow, trippy. 

“ _The one and only,”_ his friend replies sardonically, “ _You owe me big time for this, man. I can think of better things to spend my weekend doing than manning your interface for this freaky little sideshow.”_

Yugyeom can’t help but roll his eyes. “ _Mark, I know you volunteered for this. You practically kicked Rina off the job.”_

 _“And so what if I did?”_ Mark says, because if Mark is one thing, it’s shameless, “ _Someone has to keep an eye out for your enormous ass.”_

 _“Your jealousy over my height never gets old.”_ Yugyeom rises, dusting off his black clothes as best he can. “ _You really shouldn’t feel insecure, though. You know what they say, the best things come in small packages.”_

 _“Alright, can we get back to the mission please?”_ Mark bites out.

That sobers Yugyeom a little. As much as they’re messing around, there’s no getting around the fact that Yugyeom is literally in another world here, with only Mark on his little intercom for back up. He couldn’t be more out of his depths if he tried.

What if it was dangerous out there? He knows that there’s no chance the research team would send an untrained agent into unexplored terrain if they though there was even the slightest possibility of danger. And even if they did, there would be hell to pay from the head of the department, and the board of directors, and the court system. But still. _What. If_.

A mission objective springs up in the bottom right corner of Yugyeom’s vision, a simple banner of text that reads “Locate Bag”. He fumbles around in the trash for a moment before locating a matching black backpack, and the objective fades away. Yugyeom wishes he was surprised to find that _this_ is where their budget goes, but he’s seen his own pay check, and it certainly didn’t go to _him_.

He creeps up to the mouth of the alleyway, peering around the worn brick wall. “ _Ok, what am I looking at here, Mark?”_

Mark hums, and it sounds strange buzzing around in his skull. “ _It looks like they dropped you right in the heart of downtown Seoul.”_

Before Yugyeom can ask what the hell a “Seoul” is, Mark continues. “ _From the notes they gave me, seems they thought this would be the easiest location to start your task. They say nightclubs and bars have been found to be an epicenter for social activity. Huh, leave it to a bunch of scientists to describe partying in the nerdiest way possible.”_

Yugyeom finds himself stepping into the rush of people, and no one has pointed at him in horror or run screaming from him yet, so he figures so far so good. He catches sight of his reflection, and Yugyeom stops to marvel. He really _does_ look like himself, with a few minor tweaks here and there. His teeth are different, and his skin is a little less luminescent, but it’s undeniably _himself_ staring back at him.

At that, Yugyeom feels some of his confidence returning, and he walks down the street with more purpose in his step.

“ _Ok Yugyeom, look to your left, over by that bench.”_ Mark instructs. “ _There’s a girl over there I think will be an ideal first target.”_

Yugyeom follows Mark’s command and finds the dark-haired woman, delicately perched as she waits for the transportation. She’s pretty, he supposes, bearing a positive-enough similarity to the Korean billboards and beauty ads Mark transmits to him to convey the standard of beauty here.

Despite this, something in Yugyeom hesitates. He’s not _interested_ in the way he feels he should be, in the way the researchers had academically described to him in his briefings (which took its root word way too literally, and were entirely too brief).

“ _Why do I have a feeling this is going to be way more difficult than it needs to be?”_ Mark sighs through the connection.

Yugyeom forces himself to snap out of it. Right, this was the mission. It’s not about what he personally wants; it’s for the sake of knowledge and discovery and all that shit! (Or something like that. There’s a reason Yugyeom is an artist and not a scientist.)

The woman looks up at Yugyeom expectantly when he arrives to stop in front of her. He must have been standing there for too long, because she quirks her eyebrow.

“Hello? Can I help you?” She asks, the words translating almost immediately in Yugyeom’s head. Their team really did think of everything. If only Yugyeom could think of a single thing to _fucking_ _say._

“Well—” he begins, trailing off when his gaze lingers to her chest. Those are… definitely different.

Sure, where he was from, they had men and they had women. But even then, those were almost entirely social roles, with not a whole lot of differences between individuals from either group. Now, though, Yugyeom is barely able to keep his mouth off the floor as he tries to figure what the hell is on this person’s chest.

The woman definitely notices him staring. It would be almost impossible _not_ to. She does not seem to take his “interest” kindly, gasping in outrage and hurling her nearly full water bottle across him.

“ _Note to self,”_ Mark finally says, after the woman had stormed off, “ _Prolonged staring at the chest area is considered rude.”_ He hears a pencil scratching in the background, and wonders about the mechanics of this ridiculous interface and how powerful this microphone is.

“ _Wait, I see a note about it right here! Those are called_ breasts, _Yugyeom! Aren’t we learning so much today?”_ His voice is entirely too preppy for Yugyeom’s liking.

Now considerably more wet than he already was, Yugyeom hauls his ass down the street, crossing over into another district where the atmosphere and clientele around him changes. The wind is biting, but the clusters of families and lively conversation keep the environment from feeling too desolate. He shoulders open the door to a shop, ignoring the strange little _ding_ that signals his entrance, and throws himself down in a chair.

It’s warmly-lit in the shop and an exotic smell wafts from the counter, but Yugyeom barely notices. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to further his objective, not tonight at least. Perhaps the research team were too ambitious with their expectations of him. This whole sex thing isn’t as easily obtained as they made it all seem.

Was there a certain technique he didn’t know about? Maybe this is why humans spend all their time hung up on sex, he muses. It just took so much damn time to initiate in the first place; no wonder it required so much brain power. That’s Yugyeom’s working theory, anyways. He figures it’s at least as good as Dr. Feng’s.

“Hey man, are you okay?” comes a voice that breaks Yugyeom’s scientific ruminations.

A man stands in front of him, peering down with friendly concern in his eyes and a hand clutched around a steaming cup. He has honey brown hair and a jawline that must have been hand-carved, soft and sharp in all the right places.

“My name’s Jackson,” the man—Jackson apparently—offers, and Yugyeom is once again struck utterly tongue-tied. There must be something in earth’s atmosphere that lowered Yugyeom’s usual intelligence and rendered him an absolute idiot.

“ _No, that’s just how you usually are,”_ Mark is quick to counter.

Great, Mark can hear his thoughts now, too? Yugyeom _really_ didn’t get payed enough for this. Seokmin is so damn lucky he still owed him a favor after what happened back in their school days.

“You seem kind of… well soaking wet, dude. Aren’t you cold? Can I get you a coffee or something?” Jackson prompts again, apparently determined to involve himself with the strange, mute man he’d just met.

“Would you like to sleep with me?” Yugyeom says, and _hey,_ that is not what he meant to say.

“ _WHAT! ARE! YOU! DOING!”_ Mark yells in his head.

Jackson, bless his heart, just laughs. “Why don’t I get you a coffee first, and then we can see about all that?”

His hand is warm against Yugyeom’s as he shakes it in a jerky, unfamiliar movement, and Yugyeom stops shivering altogether. It’s possible that he had judged earth too early; if there were people like Jackson around, surely it couldn’t be all bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mark is my favorite character to write lol


	2. I'm gonna make this simple for you; You got two choices

Earth, Yugyeom quickly learns, looks entirely different in the day time. The sunlight painted the entire world in a warm, golden hue that made every face and building take on an entirely new aura altogether.

Jackson, tragically, does not end up sleeping with him. Yugyeom recalls their conversation from the night before:

Jackson invited him back to his place, complicating Yugyeom and Mark’s tenuous understanding of the situation even further.

“So, you’re not from around here?” Jackson had asked, pouring him a glass of water (which Yugyeom had started to develop a somewhat negative opinion of).

“Huh? W-what makes you think that?” Yugyeom had stuttered out. Because wouldn’t it just be the icing on the cake if Yugyeom blew his cover in the first few _hours_ of arriving?

“You know,” Jackson nodded his head towards the backpack slung over Yugyeom’s shoulder, “Besides, I always recognize fellow foreign brother.” The brunette raised his own glass of dark red liquid.

“Your Korean’s pretty good though. Almost better than mine,” he said, consideringly.

Yugyeom blinked. “Thank you. I’m a very dedicated student,” he responded flatly.

“Where are you originally from though? I don’t think you said.”

“Norway,” Yugyeom’s mouth supplied on its own volition, no doubt the work of Mark.

Jackson had tilted his head and squinted back at him. “ _You’re_ from Norway.” Yugyeom swallowed.

“Yes. It’s very… cold there,” he responded, unapologetically going for the biggest bluff in his life. Norway could’ve been on the surface of the sun, for all Yugyeom knew.

But it had seemed to placate to Jackson, who went back to sipping on the sparkling mystery drink. Jackson stuck his pinky finger out while he drank, Yugyeom remembers. He caught himself copying the action. It just felt like the right thing to do.

When Yugyeom had asked if Jackson was going to sleep with him now, Jackson promptly spit the mouthful of liquid back at him. He stuttered out something unintelligible, but Yugyeom ignored it.

“Is it because I’m unattractive?” Yugyeom asked, unfazed. He had begun to suspect throwing fluid all over your companion was simply a common earthling custom.

If possible, Jackson spluttered even further.

“NO, that’s not it all,” he had rushed to assure him. His face was changing color, turning a soft red. Yugyeom was intrigued to find his own body becoming interested as well, his heart rate picking up and his own face warming up slightly. Fascinating.

“Sooo?” Yugyeom fished, “Is there any reason in particular?”

Jackson’s smile was both shy and disbelieving, and Yugyeom was eager to find out if all humans were as cute as Jackson was. “Well, you’re very attractive, but I’m sure you already knew that,” Yugyeom didn’t, but he wasn’t about to interrupt, “But for your information, there’s already someone I’m kind of interested in.”

He considered that for a moment. Meditated on it. “So you wouldn’t want to sleep with someone if you already had plans to sleep with someone else in the near future?” Yugyeom said aloud, testing out the idea.

“ _Mark—”_

 _“I’m already writing it down,”_ Mark responded, two steps ahead as always. Typical engineers.

Jackson had looked at him like he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing.

“You’re really something, aren’t you, Yugyeom?” Jackson laughed and left it at that.

* * *

Sometime during that night, their conversation had wandered to the topic of employment and Jackson had mentioned that the café they met in was actually desperate to replace a barista.

Yugyeom isn’t sure if getting a job was on the agenda, but he’ll do whatever he can to spend more time with Jackson, and Mark says it could be a “culturally-enriching” experience.

Which brings them to the back to the present. So; coffee.

Even with his newly human taste buds, Yugyeom can’t say he’s a very big fan of it, despite how crazy everyone else is about it. There seems to be a lot of human things like that.

(Yugyeom hopes sex doesn’t end up being one of them, but who can say for now).

Coffee is bitter. It’s makes Yugyeom’s fingers tremble in an unpleasant way when he drinks it, and he doesn’t understand why anyone would choose it when there were plenty of other, sweeter things to enjoy. Naturally, he finds himself more interested in the assortment of freshly baked pastries the delivery girl brings by every morning.

But the job is simple enough. Yugyeom can play 10 different instruments and he has the routine of every major cultural dance memorized to perfection. He can make a damn cup of coffee.

“No, Yugyeom, that’s _not_ how you empty the espresso machine,” Jackson fusses, fluttering around him in a whirl of aprons and flailing limbs. He doesn’t hesitate to put his hands on Yugyeom’s body to correct him, on his shoulders, his wrists, even lingering on his waist. From what Yugyeom can tell, these touches are meant to be platonic, and not part of an elaborate mating ritual, despite his own wishful thinking.

Yugyeom’s coworkers are interesting. Jackson calls them idiotic, which Yugyeom initially found strange, because Jackson was the one who hired all of them, but Yugyeom believes that it’s most likely a term of endearment when used in this context.

Many of them are more than happy to discuss sex with him, although he learns more about the general cultural attitudes about it rather than the intimate details. Everyone, apparently, has their own idea about the matter. But Yugyeom has begun to identify the overarching trends: Sex usually gets a two-thumbs up rating from the general public, the men are more likely to brag, so on and so forth. Although, Suyeon gives most of their male co-workers a run for their money when catching Yugyeom up on her sexual exploits. Yugyeom finds the experience enlightening.

Humans, he’s beginning to learn, are all about exceptions.

He even walks in on Haewon and Youngjae making out in the supply closet. It took Yugyeom several moments to figure out what they were doing with their mouths. Once he did, he quickly became preoccupied with the idea, burning with the desire to know more about it. Haewon and Youngjae politely declined his request to watch, however.

On one particular day, Jackson is busy replacing the ice coffee pitcher when he immediately drops it onto the floor. Yugyeom looks up from his own hot chocolate to see what caused the commotion. He is richly rewarded with a view in the form of two young men waiting at the counter.

“ _There’s no way all people from earth are this attractive, is there?”_ Yugyeom complains.

Mark sounds as frustrated as Yugyeom is when he answers. “ _No. This is statistically… unlikely.”_

The man on the right is wearing a leather jacket that hugs his shoulders deliciously, one hip cocked out as he scrolls through the device in his hand (Phones, he’d heard Jackson call them). The one on the left is styled considerably different than his counterpart, with glasses and a smart button down, but he’s no less captivating. His dark hair perfectly frames his face and his waist tapers down into a figure that is… Visually pleasing, is the most polite way Yugyeom can put it.

“Jaebeom! J-Jinyoung!” Jackson eventually stutters out, and proceeds to do his actual job by taking their orders. But the look in Jackson’s eyes, the way he posters and holds himself, Yugyeom has finally learned to recognize. Attraction. This had to be who Jackson was talking about, when he so gently turned Yugyeom down that night.

Yugyeom knows he hovers, Jackson has called him a lost puppy more than once, but he really can’t help it as he plasters himself next to the brunette. Jackson is blushing again, and his hands even shake as he slides the change across the linoleum counter. Yugyeom is utterly enamored by it.

“So which one of them do you want to have sex with, Jackson?” Yugyeom asks.

 _“Okay, even I know you probably shouldn’t have said that,”_ Mark cackles into his comm.

At least the one with earrings finally looks up from his phone. He and the other one smirk at each other, suddenly extremely smug about something. Jackson looks like he maybe wants to cry, but he laughs instead.

“Ha! That’s just our Yugyeom,” he wheezes, dragging Yugyeom down into a rather aggressive headlock, “He’s always saying the darndest things! Enjoy your coffee guys, come back any time!”

Glasses™ slides some brightly colored bills into the tip jar, and the two men retire off into the most remote corner of the shop, already engrossed in conversation.

“What did I do wrong?” Yugyeom asks, returning to making his drink. They were on the clock after all.

Jackson visibly takes a few deep breaths to calm himself. “Yugyeom,” he says, clenching a fist, “I know you’re not from around here, and I don’t know how they do things in Norway, or whatever, but you can’t just go around _saying_ you want to sleep with people! Time and place man!”

“ _Mark—”_

_“Yessir, already putting it in the report.”_

“I see,” Yugyeom says thoughtfully, trying his best to convey that he’s taking what Jackson says to heart, “I’m sorry for upsetting you. Is there anything I can do to make up for it?”

Jackson huffs and looks away. “No, Yugyeom it’s fine. I just—” He blows out another short breath, like he’s trying to reassure himself. “…It’s both of them.”

Yugyeom tries to not let his surprise show on his face but he’s sure he fails.

“But I think they might be dating each other,” Jackson groans, “But I’m actually not sure? It’s more like they have an insane amount of unresolved sexual tension.”

They both look over to the table in the corner. Leather Jacket says something that makes Button-Up throw his head back and laugh, perfect, straight teeth on full display. He reaches out to grab the other man’s hand on the table and his fingers _linger_ for a considerable amount of time.

“So, let me get this straight,” Yugyeom starts out, and Jackson drops his face onto the counter and groans some more. “You want to sleep with Jinyoung. You also want to sleep with Jaebeom. But Jinyoung and Jaebeom are already involved with each other. Possibly. And you want all of you to sleep with each other… at the same time?”

“Don’t look at me like that,” Jackson sighs petulantly, pulling his cap down over his eyes.

This is more complicated than they were originally led to believe.

“ _How would that even work?”_ Yugyeom wonders.

“ _I don’t know,”_ Mark responds, “ _But just between you and me, wouldn’t you pay to find out?”_

That fills Yugyeom’s mind with thoughts that are probably not work-appropriate, so he dispels them.

“You know what,” Jackson says, gathering himself, “Why don’t we go out after work tonight? Just the two of us. You down for that?”

What Jackson means by “go out”, Yugyeom isn’t sure, but he likes the sound of it. Maybe Jackson would end up as a viable option to complete the mission with after all.

“That sounds nice,” Yugyeom agrees, shooting him what he hopes is his most winning smile. The little objective in his periphery that says “Give costumer drink” fades as he slides the hot chocolate across the counter to the tiny girl with braids.

Jackson reciprocates immediately, but he also reaches into the supply closet and shoves a mop and bucket into Yugyeom’s hands.

“But first, you’re going to go scrub the bathroom,” Jackson chirps, grin widening. “You didn’t think I’d let you get off for free, did you?”

“ _Ohh, I like him,”_ Mark singsongs.

Yugyeom just hopes that the research team is grateful for his sacrifices.

* * *

The club turns out to be what Yugyeom expected, but also not.

There’s more of the neon lights, that smoky scent, and the loud, omnipresent bass from his first night on the planet. There are crowds of people, pressed up against each other in what Yugyeom guesses is as probably close as one can get to sex without actually committing. It smells like sweat and promise.

He finds, however, that the demographic of people is different from the first time. The patrons at the club Jackson has chosen are almost exclusively men.

“ _You know, I’m pretty sure the team assumed you would sleep with a woman_ ,” Mark drawls. Despite Mark’s careful displays of boredom, Yugyeom knows he’s as enthralled with all this as he is. It's a Saturday night, and Mark Tuan is voluntarily sitting all by himself at the lab, instead of home, doing _work_ ; the boy is hooked. 

“ _Sex between two men still counts sex_ ,” Yugyeom insists. “ _It has to. I mean, Jackson does it—”_

“ _Oh, and just because Jackson does it means it must be the pinnacle of sex—”_ Mark teases.

“ _And all these people do it_ ,” Yugyeom continues on as if he hadn’t been interrupted. “ _If they wanted me to have sex with a woman, they should have specifically said that in the mission statement.”_ It wasn’t Yugyeom’s fault that he found the male gender of humans the slightly more enticing of the two!

...Oh, screw rationalization altogether.

He was doing so much for this goddamn agency already; he could have this _one_ thing. And whatever Mark, or the interface, or fucking _Seokmin_ had to say about it couldn’t matter less to him right now.

At some point, Yugyeom had lost track of Jackson by the bar. As curious as he was about alcohol, he had already decided the safest strategy was to be sober for this. But for all the expectation Yugyeom had been putting on Jackson and tonight, and on the promising looks Jackson had sent his way earlier, his attention wasn’t on his friend/savior/angelic saint at the moment.

Instead, he finds himself being called to the dance floor. His attention is transfixed on every little interaction, a story unfolding in every movement to the rhythm. All of his life, Yugyeom had always been drawn to dance, in every form it may appear. It was a core part of his identity, and he took great pride in the way he’s trained his body to move, a finely tuned instrument. But tonight, he discovers a brand-new use for dancing, and he didn’t even know that was possible.

The way the men are moving is meant to _entice._ To draw a partner in, in a way that’s more than a cordial dance or a shared enjoyment of the music. And it’s electric for Yugyeom, who thought he knew everything there was to know about dancing already. Like with Jackson before, he finds himself watching and mirroring the other dancers. A body roll here. A grind of the hips there. He pays special attention to what they do in their most confident moments, how they move to make themselves _sexy._ Yugyeom had heard that word a couple of times, but only now does he really start to understand it’s meaning.

This must be part of it all too.

Maybe dancing was more similar to sex than he realized. The thought makes him happy. That was something Yugyeom understood, at least.

Just as he really starts to get engrossed in the story of the couple in the corner, swinging from drunken fighting to kissing multiple times in the span of a few moments, he feels a firm hand close around his hip.

When Yugyeom is spun around, he is suddenly met with a vaguely familiar face. It’s the guy from the coffee shop, the bored-looking one with the scary smile. Jaebeom? Yugyeom is amused to see that he’s dressed almost the same as he was earlier. What kind of a guy wears the same outfit to the coffee shop as the club? This Jaebeom character, apparently.

“What are you staring at?” comes his gruff voice, “You never been to a place like this or something?”

Yugyeom isn’t sensing any outright hostility, so he responds. “I haven’t, actually! I didn’t mean to be rude, you people are just so _fascinating.”_

Jaebeom glares at him even harder then. “You know Jackson, right?” he finally grunts.

“Oh, yes,” Yugyeom smiles at the mention of Jackson, “He gave me a cup of coffee when I was wet and now we live together.”

Unexpectedly, Jaebeom lets out a bark of laughter and some of the tension in his frame eases up. Secretly, Yugyeom is relieved. Any longer, and he’s sure he would’ve said or done something irreversibly stupid.

“Do you know where he is actually?” he feels comfortable enough to ask, “I lost him a little while back.”

Jaebeom tilts his head. “I think he went out back to talk to Jinyoung about something.” He doesn’t seem too concerned about it, which strikes Yugyeom as a bit odd. From what little he knows about the man, he would’ve predicted that he was the territorial type.

Yugyeom suddenly recognizes this situation for what it is: another excellent research opportunity!

“So what brings _you_ to a place like this, Jaebeom?” Yugyeom asks, nonchalantly as he can manage. That was perfect--Yugyeom’s been working on his subtlety, and his execution couldn’t have been more flawless.

“Sometimes I come here just to check out the scene. Jinyoung’s the one who drags me out here most of time, when school is giving him hell. If it were up to me, I’d just take care of him at home.” Jaebeom responds.

Yugyeom is delighted by Jaebeom’s willingness to share, and in exchange he decides to offer some information of his own.

“Well I’ve never had sex! A triple gold-star virgin, that’s what they call me!” Yugyeom assures him cheerily. There, now Jaebeom knows he has no ulterior motives or dishonorable intentions. After all, why would he deliberately out himself as inexperienced if he was trying to impress Jaebeom with his sexual prowess?

Yugyeom has come so far in his knowledge of earth etiquette. He could probably get a degree in “human handling” by now.

But instead of taking the statement neutrally, like Yugyeom assumed he would, Jaebeom expression changes into one Yugyeom doesn’t quite have a label for yet. But his eyes are dark, and he seems to be paying attention more intently to Yugyeom than before.

There’s no denying that Jaebeom is a handsome man, and it’s even more noticeable now that he’s not glaring daggers at Yugyeom.

“Do you want to dance?” Yugyeom asks, because he’s really dying to try this new technique out with a partner.

Jaebeom considers him again, before giving him a mean smirk. “Nah. But I’m down to head back to my place. If you’re up for it.”

Ok, that _had_ to mean sex. Yugyeom is still hesitant to seriously broach the topic after what happened earlier. But if there was ever a time and place, like Jackson talked about, it had to be here and now, right? And Jaebeom brought it up himself, so there was no way Yugyeom was offending him by talking about it.

All of the alarm bells are going off in his head right now, both figuratively and literally, as the screen of his interface flashes a bright red.

“Um,” he says, just to buy himself some time.

Alright, so this guy most likely _isn’t_ dating Jinyoung, then. He wouldn’t make such a bold-faced declaration if he was already in a committed relationship. Right? (Right!?) But then there’s still Jackson.

Are the rules about this type of thing? Oh god, he wishes they covered this in the briefing. This must be why they pay Yugyeom the big bucks; _Someone_ had to fuck up firsthand, so that everyone else after him can learn from his mistakes. Yugyeom’s pretty sure that’s the scientific method. Still though, it really _feels_ like a bad idea. He can’t image a scenario where Jackson is happy with the outcome. But he can’t ignore the giant, glaring mission objective that screams at him over and over again:

“HAVE SEX”

When did this all get so complicated?

Yugyeom falls back on his last resort. “ _What do you think I should do Mark?”_

 _“Oh no, not so fast. This decision’s entirely on you, killer. I’m not taking responsibility for this one,”_ Mark answers immediately, taking a loud sip from his drink.

Of course... Mark hadn't been helpful for about 27 years of his life, so why would he chose today to start? Yugyeom knows he’s been silent for way too long now, so he puts his hand on Jaebeom’s shoulder before he really has time to think.

“I’d like that a lot.”

Jaebeom’s steely grip around his wrist as he yanks him along feels like both a blessing and a curse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> o o f  
> Poor little alien gayboy Yugyeom 'bout to get his shit rocked.


	3. Risky risky wiggy 위기, This is an emergency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *blows whistle* the horny police are on their way

“ _Mark. MARK, he’s biting me, is that normal? Is this normal?!”_

Yugyeom hears what sounds like Mark frantically banging on his keyboard. “ _Um_ , _I’m not sure? I feel like we just have to assume everything is normal at this point. It’s our first time after all. Just try to act natural!”_

Unfortunately for Yugyeom, Jaebeom isn’t that interested in the kissing thing. In fact, he’s quite content to stick to mauling Yugyeom’s neck with his surprisingly pointy teeth, sucking angry red marks on every available inch of skin. Originally, Yugyeom had thought that humans’ teeth were duller than their own, but Jaebeom is proving to be a notable outlier.

It doesn’t really feel like an _attack,_ though, and he can’t fully say he’s not enjoying it either.

“ _Note,”_ Yugyeom tells Mark, “ _Based on our observations so far_ , _human mating appears to be inherently aggressive in nature. Biting and scratching also appear to be common displays of attraction.”_

Yugyeom wonders if it would feel any different if they were taking their time. A little caressing, maybe a little kiss or two, if he was lucky. Softer, something closer to a dance.

Or maybe Yugyeom was just missing the point entirely. He wouldn't know. For now, he simply does his best to “act natural”.

Jaebeom shoves Yugyeom back onto the bed, rucking his thin t-shirt up to get access to his stomach. Amazingly, Jaebeom’s fingers actually feel _different_ than Yugyeom’s did when he explored the sensitive skin there (which, of course he explored his own body, anyone would).

“ _I need a status report here, Yugyeom. Don’t keep me in the dark,”_ Mark demands, curiosity practically bursting in every syllable.

“ _Uh,”_ Jaebeom shoves his shirt the rest of the way off and suddenly his sharp teeth are attacking the vulnerable skin of Yugyeom’s chest, “ _I feel a little warm_.”

Mark hums and keeps typing. “ _That makes sense. We’re monitoring your vital signs so we can measure your body’s physiological response. I can see that your normal resting temperature is starting to climb. Your heart rate too. It’s a similar reaction to what we see when an individual exercises, but that’s what we expected.”_

“Is this okay with you?” Jaebeom asks, all of the sudden. His fingers are completely frozen where they’re settled over Yugyeom’s hips, his full attention fixed on the other’s face.

Yugyeom flushes, pleasantly surprised by the question. He hadn’t expected such a sweet sentiment from Jaebeom, not after his almost _feral_ performance so far. “Thank you for asking. It’s fin—”

When Jaebeom gives a particular hard bite to his nipple (which Mark and Yugyeom still haven’t been able to figure out the purpose of), a strange, high-pitched noise comes tumbling out of Yugyeom’s mouth. Definitely spoke too soon again.

“ _It’s like he’s trying to_ eat _you. That’s fucked up, man,”_ Mark whistles.

“Oh, is that right?” Jaebeom pulls away to murmur, “Go ahead, let me hear you.”

Unnerved by his own lack of control, Yugyeom gnaws on his lower lip to keep from making any more noise, even as Jaebeom’s hands move to palm at his ass.

“I _said,”_ Jaebeom smacks him through his jeans, the contact leaving a ringing _crack_ in the room, “Let me hear you.”

Yugyeom is horrified when dozens of tiny, pathetic sounds bubble up immediately. Jaebeom is growling and rutting his body up against Yugyeom’s, already losing whatever little semblance of control he had.

“That’s it. Time to show me what that little virgin ass of yours can do,” he all but snarls, bringing the hard planes of the bodies together over and over again. Speaking of which—

“ _Mark,”_ Yugyeom hisses, “ _What the fuck is_ that?”

“ _Well. According to my professional opinion, my best educated guess is that_ —” Yugyeom looks down, wide-eyed, at the growing bulge in Jaebeom’s pants, “ _is his dick.”_

Ok, duh, Yugyeom. “ _Ok, well why is it—why is it doing that thing it’s doing_?”

Mark laughs, completely breathless. “ _Dude, I don’t know! Stimulation maybe? Why do you think I know any more about this than you do?!_ ” Every single nerve in Yugyeom’s body is on fire.

“ _Oh god, Mark,_ ” Yugyeom gasps, “ _It’s—it’s happening to me too. Mark, oh god_ why—”

“ _Holy shit_ ,” Mark marvels, finally sounding as apprehensive as Yugyeom feels. “ _That thing looks gnarly. Your vital levels are literally off the charts right now, gyeom, I’ve never seen anything like it. What’s it feel like?”_

Jaebeom gives a firm, inexorable grope of Yugyeom through the front of his pants, and Yugyeom didn’t know it could get any worse, and yet here they were.

“ _Kind of feels like_ ,” Yugyeom pants, thoughts derailing by the cursed heat of Jaebeom’s hand, “ _Yeah, definitely feels like I’m going to die. It’s been nice knowing you Mark.”_

Jaebeom snatches Yugyeom’s limp hand and presses it up to his own matching heat, giving Yugyeom an excruciatingly detailed feel of it through the fabric. Yugyeom swears he hears a whimper.

It is, simply put, a lot to take in.

“Hey Jaebeom, you’re never gonna believe it buddy, but Jinyoung and I have something to talk to you about—” Jackson hollers as soon as the door is open.

“Oh…” He trails off when he takes in their current _situation._ Everything, from Jackson’s shoulders to the curve of his brow, wilts immediately. Yugyeom has never been able to pinpoint so exactly the moment a person’s heart broke in two, and he feels like he’s going to vomit.

Jaebeom, for his part, looks positively dumbstruck, hand still glued to the front of Yugyeom’s jeans like his central nervous system fried itself out right then and there.

Jinyoung comes stumbling in shortly after, dolled-up in dark, club makeup and a dangerously deep button-down. Where Jackson is all open hurt and betrayal, Jinyoung puts on an expression of steely detachment. He ignores Yugyeom completely and marches up to Jaebeom.

“Explain,” he spits out, and Jinyoung’s tone betrays him, revealing just how affected he is.

Jaebeom finally takes his hand back and stumbles away from Yugyeom like he’s been slapped. He flops onto the ground with a thud. But he still doesn’t speak, only stuttering unhelpfully, beginning words and phrases before abandoning them.

“Jackson—” Yugyeom begins desperately, but Jackson raises a hand to cut him off.

“Yugyeom, don’t.” Jackson whispers, and there are _tears_ in Jackson’s eyes and Yugyeom is going to throw himself off a bridge. “Just go home. I will be back _later.”_

Yugyeom can’t bear to lift his eyes from the floor, his whole face burning in shame. Nobody says a word as he collects his jacket from the bedroom floor. He clicks the front door of Jinyoung and Jaebeom’s apartment shut, and tries not to cry himself.

“ _… I know it’s probably not the time, but you didn’t even complete the mission either.”_

If Yugyeom really does start crying then, well. That’s between him and Mark.

* * *

There’s a strange man in the apartment when Yugyeom returns.

“I heard you fucked up,” he says.

Yugyeom didn’t actually head back home right away. He wondered around downtown through the early hours of the morning. If Jackson were here, he would yell Yugyeom’s ear off, screeching about stranger danger and creeps looking to kidnap a sweet innocent like Yugyeom. But he’s _not_ here _,_ and Yugyeom feels his lower lip tremble again.

“How long have you been waiting here?” Yugyeom settles on asking. Although he’s pretty certain he’s never seen this guy around here before, he sure looks comfortable lounging across Jackson’s nice leather sofa.

Now that he’s paying attention, Yugyeom notices that the man is one of the most attractive people he’s ever laid his eyes on, but he resolutely ignores that. Wonderfully slim waists and perfectly styled hair weren’t exactly on the top of his priority list at the moment.

“Not long enough to worry your pretty little head about,” The man answers easily. “The name’s Bambam.”

“Yugyeom,” he replies, collapsing backwards into the armchair, “But you probably knew that already.”

“You gonna tell me what happened now?” Bambam leans towards him. He’s definitely wearing some kind of lip gloss, making his lips somehow even more distracting, and Yugyeom _definitely_ does not notice. He doesn’t acknowledge the obnoxious flashing of the mission objective filling his vision. He doesn’t think he’s ever been in less of a mood to have sex, despite whatever the stupid sensors are picking up.

“Do you know how Jinyoung and Jackson are doing?” Yugyeom asks, choosing to ignore the question completely.

“That bad, huh?” Bambam quips. “Last I heard, the two of them took off to the countryside for the day. Said something about getting some space. I think Jinyoung just needed some time to cool down.”

Yugyeom doesn’t know exactly how to feel about that information. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Knock yourself out,” Bambam says, rolling over onto his stomach.

“Why are Jackson and Jinyoung so upset? And why did Jaebeom try to have sex with me in the first place? Were Jinyoung and Jaebeom actually sleeping together the whole time? I don’t… _understand_ their relationship.” He throws up his hands on the word ‘understand’, his frustration getting the best of him.

Bambam purses his lips for a moment. “For the record, that was three questions.” Yugyeom manages a tired laugh. “To be fair, I think it’s more than just sex that they’re upset about.”

That definitely trips Yugyeom up. There was something else?

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I can’t speak for Jinyoung,” Bambam starts, “But Jackson _likes_ Jaebeom. It probably hurt like a bitch to seem him getting all freaky with someone else.”

Yugyeom takes a moment to digest that. Love and sex. There was a connection between them he hadn’t made before.

“What you’re saying is sex is different when you have romantic feelings for the person?” he tries. It’s pathetic how unsure he sounds, like a child wobbling through their first steps.

To his credit, Bambam doesn’t so much as blink at what must sound like a ridiculously juvenile question. He just furrows his brow in thought.

“It definitely is for some people. Most people, actually,” he amends after a second, “Jackson’s the kind of guy who wants to be _in love_ with someone before he fucks them. He probably likes to spend the night afterwards too, and make breakfast in the morning. All the domestic shit.” Bambam snickers, but Yugyeom doesn’t think that sounds so bad.

“On the other hand, you have people like JB,” the other man continues. “As far as he’s concerned, sex and feelings have nothing to do with each other. He’s got the people he loves, and the people he sleeps with, and you can bet there’s zero overlap between the them.”

Yugyeom tries not to look like he’s hanging onto Bambam’s every word, even though he very obviously is. Could this be the thing he’s been missing, why he always feels two steps behind everyone else? He prays to every god from every religion he's ever heard of that Mark getting all of this in the record.

“Now that I’m thinking about it, Jaebeom takes it a little too far,” Bambam confides to him, like he was letting Yugyeom in on some super juicy gossip, “I mean, _I’ve_ had some meaningless one-night stands in my day, but Jaebeom practically makes an Olympic sport of it.”

Yugyeom didn’t really need that visual. It doesn’t do a lot for his focus.

“I still don’t know what happened exactly,” Bambam glares at him, more playful than anything, “But if I had to guess, _that’s_ the root of the problem here. If Jaebeom pulled his head out of his ass and realized that the feeling’s mutual, none of this would’ve happened in the first place.”

“It’s true then?” Yugyeom breathes. “About Jinyoung, Jackson, and Jaebeom? I’ve never heard of anything like it.” He carefully doesn’t elaborate that it's because they never mentioned it in the briefings, like he wants to. Something about Bambam wants to make Yugyeom spill all of his deepest, darkest secrets. It doesn’t scare him as much as it probably should.

“Yeah, it definitely isn’t common,” Bambam nods in acknowledgment, “But if it’s all reciprocal, I sure as shit don’t see any problem with it. And they’d certainly be better off than the miserable situation they’re in now.”

“I want to make it right,” Yugyeom bursts out. “But what can I do?”

“If I know those three,” Bambam muses, “And unfortunately, I _do,_ they’re never going to get their shit together without a little hands-on assistance.”

“ _He’s like some kind of sexy guru,”_ Mark remarks, wonder coloring his voice. Distracted, Yugyeom runs a hand through his own messy hair.

“Do you think you can get them all in the same room together?” he demands.

Bambam’s face breaks out into an insufferably smug smirk, like Yugyeom’s response somehow confirmed something for the other man.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you know anything about me, you know what the endgame ship is already. I might as well go and tag it now lmao.  
> Also, damn JB is so wild for no reason. Take a chill pill, man.


	4. Love is Timing!

For some stupid reason, Yugyeom hadn’t actually expected Bambam to _be_ there when he rounded up the others.

And yet here he is, in all his manicured glory. He languishes on the edge of Jinyoung and Jaebeom’s kitchen with an expression that says, “ _Alright, here you go. Now what?”_

To their left, Jinyoung and Jackson orbit each other protectively, one looking thoroughly outraged at having been tricked into being here and the other full of wary sadness. To their right, Jaebeom sits alone on the barstool of his own kitchen, the absolute picture of a kicked puppy—exiled and outnumbered. He seems torn between begging the other two to look at him and flinching away every time Jinyoung sets his fiery gaze on him.

Yugyeom clears his throat. Immediately, he has four pairs of expectant eyes on him, but he doesn’t let himself back down.

"Why are you wearing my glasses, Yugyeom?" Jackson sighs.

Yugyeom falters. "I... I saw it in a movie," he confesses, nervously adjusting the frames. He doesn't even need to look to know Bambam is laughing at him. Fuck, get it together, Yugyeom; he has the fate of three people's happiness in his hands, no room for error here.

“You guys need to talk,” he starts diplomatically. He tries to project confidence in his words, even if Jinyoung currently looks like he wants to skin him alive.

“No shit,” he scoffs. “And what makes you think you’re qualified to be the one giving orders? Don’t think for a second I’ve forgotten your role in this. What, you couldn’t keep it in your pants for one night, you little—”

“Jinyoung,” Jackson objects, tired but firm. Even now, he doesn’t hesitate to stick up for Yugyeom. “Don’t talk about him that way.”

“Why do you keep defending him?” Jinyoung whirls around on Jackson. “I don’t understand—”

“I will apologize properly for my actions later, I promise,” Yugyeom insists. “But with all due respect, I don’t think this is really about me. It’s about you guys.”

“He’s got a point,” Bambam pipes up from behind the counter. Jinyoung directs his withering glare at him then, but his protests die down.

“So talk,” Yugyeom says softly. He takes a small step back, giving up the proverbial floor to whoever wants it.

Body language was key, according to his research on the internet. He adjusts his back pocket, hoping no one saw the printed-out wikiHow article tucked there, ("How to Defuse an Argument", to be exact. He found the pictures especially helpful).

“What the fuck, Jaebeom?” Jinyoung blurts out. “How could you do that? Why didn’t you just wait?” The deep timbre of his voice cracks.

“You couldn’t have waited five fucking _minutes?”_ He sniffs loudly, trying to school his expression back into anger instead of distress.

“Jinyoung, I—” Jaebeom reaches out to Jinyoung, but he stops himself. “I’m sorry, but I didn’t know—”

“Don’t give me that,” Jinyoung growls, “Don't play dumb, not with me. After everything—everything we’ve _been through._ There’s no way you didn’t know…” Jaebeom swallows.

“You knew,” Jinyoung whispers, insisting again.

Jackson hugs himself tightly. “Whether you knew or not, Jaebeom,” he says, barely lifting his eyes from the ground, “I would’ve thought that whatever we had, or whatever you and Jinyoung had, would be worth more to you than a random fling with a guy you don’t even know.”

Jaebeom shakes his head. “Jackson—” he chokes.

“Jinyoung,” he tries again, apparently finding it easier to address his long-time friend. “Maybe you’re right, okay? Maybe I knew a little bit, how you felt about me. But you _know_ I don’t… _do_ that sort of thing. I’m just not that kind of guy. It would never work!” he tries desperately to convince his roommate.

“The last thing I want to do is mess things up between us. It just wouldn’t be worth it!” Jaebeom pleads.

Yugyeom knows immediately it’s the wrong thing to say. It reads like an old argument, one that’s been had a thousand times, and Jinyoung turns away from Jaebeom like he’s been burned. Jackson is at Jinyoung’s side in an instant, speaking in low, reassuring words to the dark-haired man.

Jaebeom’s face screams jealousy, quickly giving way to regret and shame. Regret for saying the wrong thing, shame for being jealous in the first place. For some reason, he looks to Yugyeom for help.

“Ok Jaebeom,” Yugyeom accepts the plea, thinking on his feet, “What do you mean by ‘you’re not that kind of guy?’”

Jaebeom glares, obviously not the kind of help he was asking for, but Yugyeom doesn’t let him off the hook, glaring right back at him. Jaebeom submits, visibly searching for the words to say.

“I can’t give Jinyoung or Jackson what they’re looking for,” he says like it pains him to even speak. “I don’t know to _be_ in that kind of relationship, with all the lovey dovey shit." Jaebeom is clearly extremely uncomfortable, but fights through it, his words and eyes frenzied. Despite himself, Yugyeom admires him. His passion was tangible. "I’m always going to say the wrong thing, and I’m not gonna know what to do make things better or be able to talk about my fucking feelings, the way I _know_ you’ll want me too. Honestly, you and Jackson will probably just be better off without me.”

“Jackson and I don’t care about any of that shit, you colossal moron!” Jinyoung yells. “C’mon, Jaebeom, you really think we don’t know you by now?”

Jackson’s voice is considerably softer. “Yeah, man. We don’t think you’re going to be stop being _you_ just because we get into a relationship.”

“In fact, that’s kind of the reason we like you in the first place, jackass,” Jinyoung tacks on, shoving Jaebeom backwards. He tumbles onto the couch and looks up, dazed, at the both of them.

“I think what Jackson and Jinyoung are saying,” Yugyeom intervenes again, “is that it’s going to be a learning experience for all of you. It’s not going to be perfect, and you’re not going to know the right answer every single time. But the important thing is that you all love each other.”

 _“Nice,”_ Mark spectates, audibly chomping on a bag of chips, _“That was a solid one, gyeom, couldn’t have said it better myself.”_

The trio fall silent, three matching blushes adorning each of their faces.

“Is it true?” Jinyoung finally mumbles. “Do you… love me?”

“Yeah,” Jackson answers immediately, flushing even harder. “I do. And I love you too, Jaebeom.”

“Jaebeommie,” Jinyoung says again, a tiny dash of hope starting to creep into his voice.

Jaebeom buries his head in his hands. “… me too,” he gets out eventually. “Both of you.”

Yugyeom thinks that if any more blood travels to their faces, the three of them are just going to pass out. Yugyeom doesn't know enough about first aid to handle that situation, so he hopes they cool it. But they just keep smiling at each other, and Yugyeom lets out a sigh of relief, knowing the worst of it has finally passed. He crouches down close to the floor as the excess adrenaline of a tense situation passes through him.

Earthlings, dude. They were too complicated for their own good.

A slow clap echoes through the room. “Well, well, well,” Bambam drawls, “That was all very impressive, but I believe Yugyeom here still owes us an apology.” His smile is wicked, and Yugyeom is disappointed in himself for finding it endearing.

Jinyoung sighs, his hand still firmly entwined with Jackson’s. “No. If anyone owes an apology to someone, it’s probably me. You couldn’t have known about everything that was going on, Yugyeom. You’re just a victim of being in the wrong time and place.”

Yugyeom smiles. “While I appreciate that, Jinyoung, you’re wrong. I knew Jackson was interested in both of you, and I still accepted Jaebeom’s offer anyway. I didn’t understand how important this relationship was to all of you, but I do now. It won’t happen again.” He says the last words while looking pointedly at Jackson. The person he hurt this most, and the one he wants the most desperately to make it up to.

He is suddenly enveloped in the glorious warmth of Jackson’s arms, and Yugyeom has never been any good at keeping his own tears in check. With his arms still around him, Jackson leans back to look up at him.

“I forgive you,” he says, and it’s the best thing anyone’s ever said to him. For a while, Jackson and Yugyeom just hold each other and stare into each others eyes. After all, there's nothing wrong with two friends doing a little sobbing and cuddling, right?

Jinyoung and Jaebeom exchange a loaded glance with each other, eyeing up Yugyeom as he embraces their boyfriend.

“Do I have to worry about you making a move on Jackson, too?” Jinyoung teases.

Yugyeom laughs, silently refusing to let Jackson go, hugging him even closer. “No sir! I’ve definitely learned my lesson on that one too. He’s rejected me enough times already for me to get the hint!”

Jaebeom, Jinyoung, and Bambam only grow more incredulous at that. Jackson smiles sheepishly.

“He’s trying to be nice, Jinyoungie,” Jackson assures him, “That’s just how Yugyeom talks, he doesn’t mean anything by it.”

“He’s from Norway,” he adds in a whisper.

In that instant, Yugyeom makes a decision. He steps back, reluctantly releasing Jackson from his embrace.

“Actually,” he starts. “While everyone’s already here, I kinda have a tiny little something to confess.”

 _“Oh Jesus,”_ Mark wheezes, _“This should be good.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not Jinyoung calling Yugyeom a slut, omg


	5. I wanna know, know, know, know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has anyone picked up on the way I'm titling the chapters lol

“So yeah, that’s basically everything,” Yugyeom finishes with a big sigh.

Jackson blinks. Then Jinyoung, then Jaebeom. And Bambam just _laughs_.

“Yugyeom,” Jackson looks at him with impossibly wide eyes, “You’re not really sitting here and trying to tell me you’re an _Alien,_ are you?!”

Yugyeom furrows his eyebrows. “Well yeah, that was kind of the whole point of my story earlier. Did you not hear me?”

“Okay, so prove it,” Jinyoung challenges, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Go on then.”

Yugyeom opens and closes his mouth quickly.

“What, you didn’t think that far ahead, Alien Boy?” Bambam asks, cackling on the floor.

“Oh, I know! I’ll just have Mark talk to you guys!” Yugyeom bounces on his heels. “He’s a good friend of mine, and he’s been managing the mission from back home.”

Wait a second, was that even possible? There's a distinct chance that Mark’s interface was only designed to communicate with Yugyeom. Can he depend on the department using their ridiculous budget on something that might actually be useful to him? The chances aren't looking great. Jaebeom’s staring at him like he already has the number to the nearest psych ward on speed dial.

Alas, the righteous path was never an easy one.

“Mark?” Yugyeom tries. The way he searches around the air for Mark, even though he knows he’s not there, probably doesn’t help the case for his sanity

“ _I have to agree with the redhead here, Yugyeom, I really don’t think you’ve thought this one through,”_ Mark’s familiar, disembodied voice echoes in the living room.

Yugyeom vows never to doubt his friend's freaky technological skills again.

His friends nearly jump out of their skin at the intrusion. Their faces unintentionally reflect the stages of grief, from anger to denial to bargaining, so perfectly Yugyeom can easily imagine it as a poster hanging in a therapist's office somewhere. But even as Jinyoung roots around the room looking for hidden microphones, Jackson and Bambam's faces are slowly starting to shift into that final stage. 

“No way,” Jackson whispers, “No _way—”_

“Are you fucking with us right now, Gyeom?” Bambam grins, smacking him on the shoulder, “You better not be.”

“I’m not!” Yugyeom whines, “What do you think I’ve been trying to tell you guys, I’m not _from_ here! It's honestly kind of sad that I had to spell it out for you like this.”

"Hey, cut us a bit of slack here!" Bambam complains, "Let's be real, whose first guess is _'Aliens'?_ I just figured you might be some kind of runaway heir on the run from the yakuza, or something."

Jinyoung scoffs. "You watch too many dramas."

“Well, I have some _questions_ ,” Jackson says, putting it in probably the lightest way possible. Yugyeom can tell the others agree, already shifting in their seats ready to spout them off.

Yugyeom feels a little bit like a lecturer, with the way he stands surrounded by their eager eyes. Except Yugyeom was never that good in school and he almost regrets cutting his public speaking course every other week in his first year. Eh, it was probably Seokmin’s fault anyway. Most things were.

“I’ll try my best,” he squeaks.

“Where did you come from then?” Jinyoung scratches his chin intently, “It must be a solar system that’s millions of light years away. Does that mean you’ve figured out a way to do intergalactic travel in a time-efficient manner? You certainly don’t _look_ a thousand years old to me,” He squishes Yugyeom’s face in his search for non-existent wrinkles.

“Oh!” Yugyeom perks up, relieved Jinyoung asked a question he actually knew the answer to. “We’re actually from the same galaxy as you guys!”

At Jinyoung’s puzzled face, he elaborates, “We’re just from a different _dimension._ You know, like a mirror universe? All we had to do was hop in the interdimensional warp and _bam._ We’re here!”

“So Everett's Many Worlds interpretation was right after all,” the Korean man mutters to himself, adjusting his glasses manically. “I’ve got to tell my professor about this…”

Yugyeom winces. “Actually, I’d rather you didn’t—”

“So is your planet hostile?” Jackson interrupts, “You guys planning to destroy earth or what? Maybe enslave all the inhabitants for cheap labor, something along those lines?”

Yugyeom puffs up involuntarily. “Of course not!” he yelps. Even though he’s used to Jackson’s occasional lack of tact by now, he can’t help but be a tiny bit offended. “How could you even think that?! I already told you, the only reason I came here was because—”

“So the sex thing was for real?!” Bambam shoves Jackson aside, “I thought you were joking about that for sure.”

“Okay, I have a question,” Jaebeom speaks, draping his arm around Jinyoung next to him on the couch. The warm glow around them hasn’t come close to fading, the happy flush on all three of their faces lingering even now. Yugyeom wonders if it will ever go away.

“You really don’t have sex in your world? How do you guys, like, reproduce?”

“Well, it’s kind of random,” Yugyeom replies, scratching the back of his head. “The best way I can explain it is it’s sort of like the way flowers get pollinated here? It’s really not that interesting. Definitely not as _hands-on_ ,” he coughs, “as you guys are here.”

“Hold on, I just realized something,” Bambam says suddenly, “When you were trying to get with Jaebeom, Jackson too… all that was just for your mission, wasn’t it?” Jackson and Jaebeom deflate, egos undoubtedly bruised now that they know Yugyeom’s interest in them wasn’t as overpowering as they probably assumed.

"Okay, well he didn't say _that_ —" Jackson frowns.

“You’re like an alien, right?” Bambam prompts (“Yes, Bambam, I think that much is clear,” Jinyoung drawls), “And sex doesn't even, like, exist in your life back home. So are you even attracted to humans at all? You probably think we’re all weird-looking and noodle-y. Am I right?”

And that wasn’t _exactly_ true, was it?

“Ahh, don’t ask him that. It’s rude,” Jinyoung; kind, beautiful Jinyoung scolds him. But based on the way Bambam’s smile creeps back onto his face, and how he eyes the other’s blush, he already has Yugyeom figured out completely.

“I can’t even imagine trying to have sex like that,” Jackson chatters, oblivious, “If I wasn’t even attracted to the other person _at all_. Yeah, no thanks.”

“To be fair, humans don’t look that different from how my species does. We’re taller,” Yugyeom allows.

“Well that explains it,” Jackson grumbles playfully.

“—but it the end, we’re pretty similar. So I don’t think you look _disgusting,”_ Yugyeom teases. “It’s just all very new to me. It did take a while to get used to the… dick thing.”

Even Jinyoung laughs at him after that. 

"Oh man, I didn't even _think_ of that," Jackson wheezes, "Yeah, that one probably wasn't pretty!"

“Well, I can help you,” Bambam boldly declares. “With the sex thing!”

He hardly pays any attention to the epic coughing fit his words triggered. Yugyeom thinks he might die if he can’t catch his breath soon.

“What?” Bambam defends himself against Jackson and Jinyoung’s doubtful looks, “It’s not like Jaebeom’s an option anymore. I’m the perfect candidate! I’m human and I know what sex is.” He wiggles his eyebrows. “I might even be overqualified.”

Yugyeom feels Jackson drape a cool rag over his forehead and he relaxes into it. “Your face was literally about to explode,” Jackson informs him.

“Maybe we can take it slow?” Yugyeom tells Bambam after he thanks Jackson, his voice cracking in three different places.

Jackson bursts into laughter. “JB was that bad, huh? When you first got here, you couldn’t wait to get into my pants. What did you _do_ to him?” He asks Jaebeom.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Yugyeom mumbles into his hands. Jaebeom, at least, looks like he shares the sentiment.

"Kinda hot though, you gotta admit," Bambam says, nudging Jaebeom with his pointy elbow. The latter doesn't hesitate to launch Bambam off the couch. 

“Now I feel extra bad for yelling at you,” Jinyoung murmurs, “You must have already been so confused by the time we showed up. I’m sorry, Yugyeom-ah.”

“I already told you, you don’t have to apologize—"

“Shut up for a second,” Jackson interjects, his eyes lit up in mischief, “I just had an idea.”

“Maaark?” he calls out sweetly, looking around the room like he might appear.

“ _What do you want, little man?”_ Mark calls back, not nearly as amused.

“I’m just wondering if you’re as cute as Yugyeom is. You must be, right? Being from the same planet and all.”

“ _What is it with you three and infidelity?”_ Mark fires back. “ _Hate to break it to you, but I’m not as easy to fluster as Yugyeom. Don’t waste your time.”_

Jinyoung cuffs Jackson across the back of the head. “Serves you right,” he says, “Stop flirting with everything that so much as breathes in your direction.”

Jaebeom’s feline eyes crinkle up in a delighted laugh. “You’re going to have to get used to that,” he tells Jackson, with all the wisdom of an elderly married man.

Yugyeom feels a warm hand enclose around his. “Well, this has been all been super great,” Bambam says, dragging Yugyeom to his feet. “But Yugyeom and I actually have a date to get to.”

Yugyeom’s not sure if it's his brain malfunctioning, the mainframe, or some combination of both.

“We have a lot ‘taking it slow’ to do,” Bambam says, with his eyes unashamedly fixed on Yugyeom’s mouth, “And I’d like to get a head start.”

"But wait, I still have a ton of questions about space travel," Jinyoung protests, "And I'd like to know more about their societal model and customs. I'm really curious as well about the biological process they used in order to modify your anatomy to resemble ours. My dissertation—"

Jackson puts a hand over Jinyoung's. "Let them go, Jinyoung," Yugyeom hears Jackson say distantly. "You were young once, right? You know how it is."

"Besides, I'm sure we can come up with _some_ way to keep you busy," Jaebeom adds, before Yugyeom tunes out completely.

* * *

Later that night, after the date (the amazing, _wonderful_ date where Bambam held his hand and kissed him goodnight on the cheek like a gentleman), Yugyeom gets a call. Which is strange, because the only person who should have the number to his head-phone is Mark. But Yugyeom doesn’t think he has much of a choice in answering, the angry ringing splitting his temples, so he accepts.

It ends up being fucking _Seokmin._

“ _How are you doing, Yugyeom?”_ the assistant commissioner asks.

“Spit it out, Seokmin. What do you want?” Yugyeom collapses back onto his bed. He can’t stop imagining the way Bambam’s fingers felt resting on Yugyeom’s shoulder, and how he has to look up just the slightest bit to make eye contact with Yugyeom when he makes fun of him. Would he call soon?

“ _Last time I checked, spilling your entire life story to four random humans wasn’t on the mission agenda,_ ” Seokmin’s tone is light, but there’s an undertone of frustration to it.

“Maybe you should’ve gotten an actual scientist to do this instead,” Yugyeom scoffs, fighting through the sudden urge to close his eyes.

“ _Listen, Yugyeom,”_ Seokmin sighs, “ _We’re looking at calling this mission a loss and leaving it at that. I can have Mark beam you back in the morning._ ”

Yugyeom sits up in his bed. “No no no, hold on, Seokmin. Let’s not be too hasty here.” Like it or not, he was definitely awake now.

“Hey,” he tries to reason, “We’ve already been able to collect a ton of new information so far. Haven't you been getting the progress reports from Mark?”

Seokmin is silent for a moment. “They _have_ been rather enlightening about the cultural attitudes surrounding sexual intercourse...”

Yugyeom can breathe again. “See? Not a total loss at all!”

“But the fact of the matter is that you still have not been able to complete the primary objective—”

“Hey, I can _do_ it, ok,” Yugyeom is quick to clarify, “That’s not the problem. I’m just making sure I have all the necessary background information first. I’m laying the groundwork. You know how it is, Seokmin, you’re a man of science. Give me time.”

Seokmin is clearly thinking about it; Yugyeom can see his stupid thinking face in his mind’s eye, and the way he bites his stupid lip. He'd seen it enough times, pouring over late night study sessions in crappy diners, to have it stick for life. 

“Look at it this way, dude: just imagine the research paper this will make. I know you’re picturing it, with your name right there on the cover page,” Yugyeom says in his most enticing voice. There’s silence over the line.

“Think of the awards. The grants,” Yugyeom presses, getting more and more desperate, “Maybe Doyeon will even agree to go as your date to the National Anthropologist Society banquet.”

“...Fine. You’ve got yourself a deal, Yugyeom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung standing in for the audience like.
> 
> Listen, I'm a filthy humanities major so absolutely none of this is going to be scientifically accurate. Shout out to all the sexy ladies in STEM holding it down though.


	6. You make me feel special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies, Men, and Gentle-thems, I present to you, without further ado:  
> The smut

Yugyeom and Bambam have been taking it slow.

It’s honestly really great. Yugyeom has had significant others before, of course. He’s not a stranger to date nights, or long stretches of time spent doing nothing but enjoying each other’s company. But the constant _physical_ aspect of it is still novel to him.

Bambam is more than happy to help Yugyeom discover the joys of kissing. He seems perfectly content to let him bring their mouths together over and over again, for hours at a time, and Yugyeom thinks it’s completely possible that Bambam’s lips were made for kissing. Yugyeom has felt them enough times to memorize their shape and feel, and that is the scientific, completely unbiased conclusion he comes to.

Sometimes that _thing_ still happens when they make out, but Bambam never moves to do anything about it or escalate the situation. Thankfully if Yugyeom ignores it long enough, it goes away by itself and his head will finally start to feel normal again. But he can’t help but speculate, theorize if you will, what might happen if they _didn’t_ ignore it. And maybe, possibly… did something about it?

So yeah, they’ve been taking it slow, and it’s wonderful, except for the times when it’s not.

“ _You know he’s doing it on purpose, right?”_ Mark always says. “ _He’s trying to push your buttons_.”

As much as Yugyeom would like to defend the honor of his boyfriend, yeah, he can definitely see that.

If he were to do some deep introspection, which coming to earth had forced him to do more than in his entire life combined so far, Yugyeom would find that he's nervous. He's concerned that adding sex to the mix will ruin the fairy tale-like relationship they’ve enjoyed so far, and he's worried that he won't be able to manage the sexual rules with the emotional ones. So, really, he's been fine with waiting, learning, and gaining the experience and maturity.

But his self-control has a limit, and, thanks to the wonders of modern science, Yugyeom is just a man. So he drops hints.

It’s a slow, awkward seduction, that consists of Yugyeom pressing himself against Bambam pointedly while they slow dance in the kitchen and saying the word “sexy” probably far too much in casual conversation. He tries every trick in the book; from biting Bambam’s neck like Jaebeom had done (which he does _not_ appreciate) to loudly inquiring about the inner workings of Triple J’s bedroom dynamic. But every attempt is met by Bambam with an easy smile or a chaste kiss on the cheek.

(" _He's plaaaying youuu~_ ," Mark insists. " _Don't play dumb, Yugyeom, it's not as cute as you think it is._ " Yugyeom ignores this. He knows for a fact that Mark thinks he's cute no matter what he does. He sleeps with a framed picture of Yugyeom on his nightstand; their friendship moved past the need for secrets many years ago, but he can still let Mark pretend.)

It all comes to a head one night, when Bambam and Yugyeom are lounging in bed. Jackson is out doing who knows what with Jaebeom and Jinyoung, which leaves the house conspicuously empty. The possibilities ahead of them are practically endless. But Bambam seems just as laid-back as he always does.

His boyfriend in the middle of applying the final coat of Yugyeom's black nail polish when Yugyeom finally hits that limit.

“Bam, I’ve been wondering something lately,” he blurts out. “But first, you have to promise not to make fun of me.”

Bambam clicks the bottle of polish close, delicately setting it on the nightstand, and starts to grin. “You know I would _never_.” Yugyeom gnaws on his lip and considers how to phrase it.

“…Fuck it, I’ll just say it. What are you supposed to do to get rid of… _you know_. After we’re done making out.”

Bambam blinks a few times. “Huh?”

Yugyeom blushes. “Well, I know if you wait for a while, it kind of goes away on it’s own. But it’s super uncomfortable, and sometimes it doesn’t go away for like an _hour_.”

“You really don’t know…” Bambam murmurs, his inner thoughts accidentally spilling out for Yugyeom to hear. “I don’t know why I assumed you did, why would you?”

He’s laughing. Yugyeom has been suffering through awkward boners and crying under the stream of ice-cold showers for weeks now, and his boyfriend is laughing.

“Bambam?” Yugyeom tries.

“Get on the bed.”

“Excuse me?”

“Just trust me,” Bambam says, soothingly. All the blood in Yugyeom’s body rushes south, so he doesn’t have enough brainpower to even think of disobeying.

"Hold on, I need to blow on your nails for a second or it'll smudge," Bambam adds as an afterthought. 'Cause he's pragmatic like that. Bambam's plush lips pursed together and the cool breeze he blows on Yugyeom's fingertips aren't provocative in _any_ way, thanks for asking. 

When he's satisfied, Bambam sits back to admire him, which is sweet, but it means he’s not really doing much else and Yugyeom is getting impatient. “Take your shirt off, Gyeom,” he hums after a moment.

Shyly, full of nervous energy with nowhere to go, Yugyeom complies. In this position, laid bare like this, the younger of the two starts to falter, even though this is what _he_ wanted all along.

“Bam,” he whispers, “Kiss me? Please?”

Bambam apparently didn’t need much convincing in the first place, because he’s up in Yugyeom’s space in the next moment. He works Yugyeom’s mouth open with a slow, liquid confidence that only comes from practice. It feels so good, so _right_ that when Bambam traces the seam of Yugyeom’s lower lip with his tongue, it has him whining out noises entirely against his will.

When Bambam pulls back the next time, it’s firm, and Yugyeom knows that he won’t be able to persuade him again tonight. He obviously has a plan, and everyone knows how Bambam gets when he has a _"vision"_ .

“Take yourself out for me,” he says in his raspy voice. Yugyeom is already half-hard from the kissing, and he squirms uncomfortably, his fingers hesitating at the top button of his pants.

 _“Hey Mark. Is there any way you could possibly..._ not _watch this part?”_

 _“Sorry kid,”_ Mark says, “ _You knew what you were signing up for.”_

_“…okay.”_

“Lick your hand,” Bambam commands next.

The way he’s leaning back on his side, perfectly cool and unbothered, is killing Yugyeom. His look is casual but polished, the perfect blend for a night in like this, and Bambam's flawless eyeshadow combined with his floppy, un-styled hair normally makes Yugyeom swoon, but now it only fills him with rage. He complies, feeling how the cool saliva spreads over his hand.

“You’re gonna want to make a fist with your hand, and just move slowly up and down. Just like that,” he coos when Yugyeom begins to test it out.

Okay, whoa. Yugyeom is starting to get really pissed that he hasn’t tried this before. Definitely been missing out.

“Does it feel good?” Bambam asks, the _sadist_ he is.

Yugyeom would really love to sass him back, but the only thing he can do at the moment is squeeze his eyes shut and nod.

“Feel free to really move your hips with it,” Bambam says conversationally, like they could be discussing what he wanted to eat for goddamn dinner. “Just go wild with it.”

Yugyeom knows he’s teasing him, but fuck, it doesn’t sound like a half-bad idea, and soon enough he’s making aborted little thrusts as he rides the movement of his hand.

“Bambam,” he can’t stop from moaning out, even though he has nothing else to say afterwards. He just wanted to say his name, and feel the way it rolled off his tongue.

Even Bambam's hand on his ankle manages to feel scandalous. Yugyeom fixates on the ridges of his fingers, the barely-there brushes against Yugyeom's still-clothed Achille's heel. Yugyeom's mind burns with thoughts, of Bambam's hand literally _anywhere_ else on his body. 

“You see that spot right below the head, Yugyeom?” the man across from him says, “I want you to move your thumb in little circles, right there.”

Yugyeom’s mouth falls open in a gasp as he does it, and he can’t seem to close it again, hanging helplessly slack as he moans at the friction. His legs are beginning to shake, this indescribable feeling starting to build and build in intensity. It’s scary, just like it was the first time, but having Bambam here keeps him centered. He feels ready to face it head on, instead of running from it.

Yugyeom opens his eyes to steal a glance at the man he adores so much. His eyes are dark, face flushed underneath his permanent tan. His chest rises and falls rapidly, and Yugyeom follows the line of his arm down to…

“Bambam, are you… getting off on this?” Yugyeom squeals.

“Are you really surprised?” is Bambam’s answering chuckle.

On any other occasion, Yugyeom would've been ready to throw hands on the spot. But he’s far past the point of caring about fairness, or holding Bambam accountable for sneakiness, so he just replies, “Please. Come closer, I need you so badly, _please_ —”

Thankfully, Bambam appears to have had his fill of torturing Yugyeom for his own amusement. He fits his body to Yugyeom’s, hovering over the other on propped elbows. In this position, it’s almost as if he’s trapping Yugyeom there. When Yugyeom looks up into Bambam’s black eyes, though, individually framed with countless dark lashes, he feels anything but. He can feel their heartbeat beating wildly against each other, echoing against rib cages.

Yugyeom tries to catch his breath.

"God, Yugyeom, your pretty black nails wrapped around your cock like that," Bambam breathes, "You could be on a poster, babe. I'd buy a million copies, easy money."

"You're evil," Yugyeom whimpers, pulling at Bambam's shirt. "A criminal. You should be in _jail,_ you monster."

Bambam allows their lips to meet again, and it’s so, _so_ sloppy that Yugyeom should feel embarrassed about it, but he doesn’t. All he wants is to be able to chase this feeling, and he can’t do that if Bambam refuses to fucking _do something._ He just about cries—he’s not sure, because he actually might—when Bambam finally moves. He makes a languid thrust, letting his cock drag against Yugyeom’s aching one.

The gasps Bambam lets out into his mouth fuel Yugyeom’s desire almost as much as the friction. His brain takes all of it in, every last thing Bambam has to offer, and translates it directly into the inferno lights him up, like some kind of fucked-up algorithm designed to destroy his mental well-being. Yugyeom had heard before that the mind was like a computer, but this was too much; he was about to short-circuit. And as gifted as Mark was at engineering, Yugyeom's pretty sure he wouldn't be much help in this area. 

“God, Yugyeom, you’re so—” Bambam cuts himself off to kiss him again.

Both Yugyeom and Bambam grind up into the tight, wet heat of Bambam’s hand that moves down to envelop them. What really stands out to Yugyeom are the _sounds._ They're deafening and otherworldly, so unexpected to him, and they should be disgusting. But it only turns him on more, being able to hear how wet he is for Bambam, and how wet Bambam is for him in return.

They move together, Bambam’s other hand buried in Yugyeom’s dark hair and Yugyeom hanging onto Bambam’s broad shoulders for dear life until it hits him.

It’s like a dance.

Bambam breaks the kiss when he notices Yugyeom laughing uncontrollably. Yugyeom buries in his face in the other’s neck, overwhelmed with the feeling of happiness consuming him all of the sudden. He’s finally found it; the last missing piece.

“And what the hell are you laughing at,” Bambam rasps, twisting his hand in _just_ the right way.

Yugyeom’s giggles disappear into a truly shameless whine. He hopes Bambam is far gone enough to let it go as a heat-of-the-moment thing, but he has a nagging feeling he won’t.

“Bambam, I think something’s happening,” he tries desperately to warn him, the tiny sliver of fear and anticipation slipping back into his blood.

“Is that right?” Bambam smiles. “Okay then, baby. Just hold on tight, I got you. Promise.”

Yugyeom hiccups around a sob. His entire being is a live wire, and there is truly nothing else from his entire life that he could compare this to. This can't really be happening— it can't really be _real._ He must’ve made this whole delusion up in his mind, and any moment he’ll wake up safe and sound back home—God, his power bill hasn't been paid in probably about a month, he should really talk to Mark about that.

But he can feel muscles in his lower stomach tensing, and when Bambam grabs a handful of Yugyeom’s ass and _drags_ his dick across Yugyeom’s, something definitely happens.

He feels his orgasm through his entire body, ripping through him from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. It’s the closest thing he’s ever had to a religious experience. The sight of Yugyeom’s cum covering Bambam’s hand, the stark white of it contrasting against his skin, is doing _things_ to him right now.

But Bambam is still hard; and now he gets a taste of the desperation Yugyeom has become intimately familiar with. Yugyeom can see the beginnings of tears prickling in his eyes, and if Yugyeom wasn’t already lying down, he would’ve been knocked off of his feet by how breathtaking Bambam is.

“Yugyeom,” he begs, “Can you—your mouth,”

In this capacity, Yugyeom is eager to please. He has absolutely no idea what he’s doing, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t at least imagined doing this before. He’s barely darted his tongue out, lapping at the head, before Bambam is done for. Yugyeom’s able to close his eyes in time, but a fair amount of it gets on his face, including a bit in his mouth. He runs his tongue over his lip to taste. A little bitter. Definitely not bad.

“ _That didn’t take him very long, did it_?” Mark mutters distractedly, and Yugyeom comes to the horrible realization that Mark has been timing them. And he is 100% writing it down in the report. Yugyeom hopes Seokmin has enough grace to censor Yugyeom’s name in his paper.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Bambam groans, running a thumb along Yugyeom’s jaw.

Yugyeom blinks up at him. “For what?”

“God, you’re going to kill me,” Bambam wheezes in a tired laugh. “Just for future reference, I should’ve asked before I did that, alright?”

Yugyeom nods, if only to placate him. “So, was that sex?”

Yugyeom was a mature person. He could admit when he was wrong; maybe all of the hype around it wasn’t _totally_ unfounded, after all.

Bambam drags Yugyeom back up to his level. “Trust me, babe,” he kisses the corner of Yugyeom’s mouth, tasting some of his own cum, “That was just the _beginning_.”

"You're meaner than I thought you would be," Yugyeom observes as he cleans up, a touch of accusation in his voice.

"Me? Mean?" Bambam feigns surprise. "Nah, I'm not mean. I just like to have some fun, mess around with you a bit. It's only 'cause I like you so much." He winks.

"Don't try to trick me with your words, snake-charmer," Yugyeom shakes his head, "I know better by now."

“ _Man,”_ Mark grouses. “ _I wish I had a dick_.”

Bambam is already dozing off against Yugyeom’s bare chest.

“ _We’ll see what we can do.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dude, I swear to GOD I wrote this before Last Piece came out. This can only mean one thing; Jaebeom hacked into my computer files and plagiarized the lyrics to his song. I'll let it slide this time, but he's on thin fucking ice.
> 
> Also, as someone who's high-key asexual, I have no idea if any of that was sexy. What /is/ sexy? I'll have to consult Mark's notes.


	7. If you wanna have some fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this really the last chapter? Already?
> 
> Anyways, Kinks ahoy!

“What are you watching?”

“Porn.”

“O-oh! So you are!” Jackson exclaims, getting an eyeful of ass when he glances at the screen. This particular video was titled “Young Twink Gets His Ass Destroyed by His Hung Fraternity Brother”. Yugyeom isn’t sure he completely understands the social context of the scenario, but the visuals alone are worth the watch, in his opinion.

“I’m just wondering why Bambam and I haven’t done any of _this_ stuff yet," Yugyeom frowns, gesturing at the phone. He's been at this human business long enough to know what he’s doing isn’t exactly normal, but sometimes he still does inappropriate things just to get a rise out of Jackson.

“Listen, Yugyeom, if there’s something you want to do with Bambam, you should just tell him,” Jackson advises him in his signature earnest voice, complete with enthusiastic hand movements and vigorous head nodding.

“Is that what you do with Jinyoung and Jaebeom?” Yugyeom asks, leaning into his alleged innocence. He’ll always take the opportunity to inquire about the three’s sex life, a guilty pleasure of his that he'll furiously deny if ever called out on.

Jackson giggles. “Pretty much. But Jinyoung’s not usually shy when he wants to try something. He’s greedy like that. Sometimes Jaebeom and I both are barely enough to satisfy him.”

Yugyeom bites his lip at the image his words invoke; high-pitched, adorable laughter and strong, demanding arms. Oh, Jackson. In another life, maybe.

“If you’re having trouble starting the conversation, it might be easier to first bring up the things you already know Bambam’s into,” Jackson suggests, trying to be as accommodating as humanly possible. The result is him coming off extremely condescending, but Yugyeom sort of needs all the help he can get. “So what does he like?"

Yugyeom is having a hard time coming up with a single thing. Oh god, is that bad? Is Yugyeom a bad boyfriend?

Or simply unequipped with the knowledge necessary to discuss this type of thing? If he had known there was going to be a vocabulary test, he definitely would have studied.

“Well, sometimes he talks…” Yugyeom doesn’t know how to describe the downright filthy way Bambam tends to speak in bed. Feifei from the linguistics division might have something to say about onomastics, or even deontic modality. All Yugyeom can say is that when Bambam calls him a nasty bitch, it makes him feel all hot and fuzzy inside.

“Yeah, that sounds like Bambam,” Jackson agrees, his hand poised under his chin. “Doesn’t surprise me that he can’t shut the fuck up, even when he’s getting his dick sucked.”

“What’s some of the stuff that you’re into?” Yugyeom asks, resting his forearms against the kitchen counter. Jackson fiddles with the zipper of his adidas tracksuit and laughs again.

“Yah, I’m not sure this is something we should be talking about, Yugyeom-ah,” he says reluctantly.

“Come _ooon,_ ” Yugyeom whines, “It’s purely for educational purposes. I’m really struggling here, hyung, you know how inexperienced I am! I wouldn’t even know what to ask him. Please?” He puts on his cutest pout, eyelash batting included.

“Alright, alright,” Jackson waves a hand, “Calm down.” Yugyeom makes an over-the-top cheer.

“I’m sure you already aware of what Jaebeom likes,” Jackson begins. Yugyeom honestly hadn’t thought of that encounter in a while, and the memory fills him with an interesting combo of embarrassment and leftover arousal. “He’s like a damn vampire, that one. He puts on a big show of being ultra-dominant, but you can get him to bottom sometimes, if you play your cards right. He also really likes trying to tie us up. The key word here being _trying._ ”

“Jinyoung on the other hand,” Jackson lets out a low whistle.

“It’d be easier to list what he’s _not_ into. Just for starters, he’s the biggest power bottom I’ve ever met; I think he secretly likes when he can make JB cry, but don’t quote me on that. Aside from that, he likes dirty talk, verbal degradation, voyeurism, double-teaming, role-play, edging, he _loves_ to give oral,” The brunette rattles off on his fingers. “Oh, and he’s a filthy exhibitionist.”

Yugyeom thinks he knows what _some_ of those words mean.

“What about you?” he asks Jackson again. The Chinese man gets red all the way to the tips of his ears.

“I don’t know, man. Whatever my partner’s into, I’m into,” Jackson huffs, looking away from Yugyeom. “I’m not really into the degrading thing or the bondage on my own, but if Jinyoung and Jaebeom like it? Hot. Ten out of ten, sign me up.”

“Jackson~,” Yugyeom prods, poking at his cherry-red face, “We get it, you’re Mr. Perfect. Just spill, already.”

“You’re just as pushy as Jinyoung,” Jackson grumbles. “Ugh, fine! _Obviously_ I like when Jinyoung and Jaebeom are both taking care of me at the same time, they _are_ my boyfriends, after all. When I’m with a girl, I’m a pretty damn big fan of anything tiddy related, but it’s not like I miss it too much. I have more than enough to handle in the bedroom as it is. And… I kinda like it when ᵗʰᵉʸ ˢᵖⁱᵗ ⁱⁿ ᵐʸ ᵐᵒᵘᵗʰ.”

“Huh?” Yugyeom asks. “Sorry I didn’t quite catch that last part.”

“ **I SAID I LIKE IT WHEN THEY SPIT IN MY MOUTH** ,” Jackson screams, in a moment of pure exasperation.

 _How?? Was Jackson Wang a real person?_ Surely a just universe would not allow such an impossibly sexy person to exist.

Yugyeom is surprised the very hairs on his arms don't stand up. “Thanks a lot, Jackson! This was a big help. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” He pats him on the shoulder, leaving Jackson muttering something about "stupid sex aliens" and their "irresistible smiles". 

What Yugyeom would do without Jackson, he really doesn’t know, and he doesn’t even want to think about it. He had so many new things to research now. He just hopes there's enough pornography out there to cover it all.

Yugyeom would soon learn just how naïve that thought was.

(There are some things he will _never_ be able to unsee.)

* * *

He shows up to Bambam’s penthouse suite unannounced.

Every time he comes over, the contrast of the place never fails to make him laugh. While Bambam's personal style is unapologetically extravagant, from his designer shoes to the hideously expensive jewelry he likes to wear, his apartment is a whole different story. Even though it’s still a penthouse, and probably costs more than Yugyeom could ever hope to make at the coffee shop, the inside of it is strikingly bare.

The most prominent decorations inside are probably the cats, who shed enough to where their fur could possibly be considered a rug. There’s a couch, some chairs, and a respectable-sized television, but there’s a distinct lack of chandeliers or indoor fountains one might expect from the man’s affinity for luxury.

Bambam is standing in the middle of his gorgeous, stainless steel kitchen, eating a bag of chips in just his boxers and a worn sweatshirt. He screams.

“What’s up, Bamie!” Yugyeom greets cheerfully, striding in the door in a mocking parody of the way Bambam usually enters a room—loud and unapologetic.

His boyfriend drops the bag and covers his body, even though the only skin showing on his body is his lower legs. “Yugyeom! What are you doing here!? Think of my modesty!”

Yugyeom sweeps Bambam up in his arms, delighting in the feeling of worn cotton on his cheek. “Don’t worry, I’ve seen much worse than this,” he nuzzles his face into Bambam’s neck because he knows how ridiculously ticklish he is.

Predictably, Bambam shrieks and squirms away. “Seriously, though, give a guy some warning next time.”

“I want you to tell me what gets you off, Bambam,” Yugyeom states directly, deciding not to beat around the bush.

“What’s gotten into you?" Bambam laughs, "Is there some kind of alien flu making you act up that I should know about?” He even pretends to check Yugyeom’s temperature by draping his hand across his forehead. “Besides, you already know what gets me off. It’s not like we’ve never messed around before.

“I’m not playing around, Bam. I want to know what you like, and I want to do it. All of it.”

Bambam takes his hand back. “Are you _1000%_ sure? I know you’re not a total virgin anymore, but going all the way can be a little intense. And human stuff, like kinks and all that, can be… weird. I don’t know if you’ll be into it, or even get it at all.”

Yugyeom intercepts both of Bambam’s flailing hands. “Trust me, Bambam,” he says, “I’m a scientist. If anyone is prepared to take on this responsibility, you’re looking at him.”

“ _And it’s been the only thing on my mind for weeks now, and the fact that we’re not kissing right now is actually causing me physical pain,”_ he thinks privately.

“…alright. But you’re telling me the second you’re not into something or you want to stop, got it?”

And that’s how he ends up in Bambam’s king sized bed, tied up and more than a little hot and bothered.

“ _Come in, Yugyeom. Attention, Kim Yugyeom, I need to talk to you like_ right now.”

Bambam must recognize the vacant look Yugyeom gets on his face, because he asks, “Is it Mark?

“ _So just a quick_ _heads up; I know you’ve already talked to Seokmin about getting permission to stay, but since this is your last_ official _day of the experiment, the research team’s decided they want to observe the session. Meaning, they may or may not be currently throwing a viewing party to watch you have sex. There are_ snacks,” Mark emphasizes.

“ _Anyways, have fun! I bet them that Bambam would come first, so don’t let me down!”_

“What did he say?” Bambam asks.

“Uhhh, nothing.”

Yugyeom couldn’t even begin to explain. (And also, the thought of all those people watching them; hot? He'd have to think about it more later.)

Bambam is slender, but he’s also surprisingly strong, and he fully uses this to his advantage, manhandling Yugyeom around the bed. He’s discarded his sweatshirt somewhere along the way, showing off the honey-gold skin of his torso, and how it tapers into his criminally slim waist. Yugyeom would give anything to be able to just reach out and _touch_.

“Hey,” Yugyeom breathes, “Tell me what you like about this.”

“Should’ve known you’d psychoanalyze me,” Bambam mutters, trailing a hand down Yugyeom’s side. “Well, you all tied up, looking at me with those eyes sure is nice to look at. And of course I want to fuck you, Yugyeom, I have since the moment we met. Big guy like you, all mine to take apart—How could I not?”

The internet was right; communication really _is_ sexy. Yugyeom struggles a bit against the ribbon holding his wrists together. “Well when you put it like that…” he trails off in a smirk, equal parts shy and eager.

“Y’know, I think I saw a video like this once, when I was studying for this,” Yugyeom says. “Always have to be prepared. S'what they teach you at the academy, at least.”

Yugyeom knows Seokmin will get a kick out of that one.

“Oh, yeah?” Bambam wiggles his eyebrows. “That sounds like some fun homework. You should have asked me to watch with you, that could be fun too. I bet you're into some kinky shit.”

“Do ‘Sexy Thai Boys in Thigh Highs’ count as kinky shit?” Yugyeom asks. He purposely lets his eyes drag up and down the length of Bambam’s legs.

“Shut up,” Bambam wheezes, as Yugyeom laughs even louder, “Asshole.”

Bambam moves on to scissoring Yugyeom open with his fingers, using copious amounts lube along the way. It reminds Yugyeom of when he’s dancing and he contorts himself at a particular angle, earning him a deep, full-body stretch. It isn’t particularly pleasurable, but he didn’t think it would be. It was mostly for practicality after all. His favorite part is the kisses Bambam places on his hip bones to ease him into it.

But then Bambam is gone, rifling around in the trunk at the foot of his bed. Yugyeom feels his absence zip though him like an electric shock, and he whines shamelessly to express his disappointment.

“Yeah, yeah,” Bambam says behind the chest lid, “Patience is a virtue, y’know.”

He returns with a few strange devices clutched in his grip, tossing them onto the bedspread. “These,” he gestures to them with a wicked grin, “are my toys.”

“And I like to use them,” Bambam explains condescendingly, like Yugyeom is a child (but he somehow still manages to find it hot), “Because this way, before I have my own fun, I get to focus my whole, undivided attention on _you_ , baby boy.”

“This,” he slides a glittering metal ring over Yugyeom’s flagging erection, “is to keep you from coming too early.” Yugyeom had become a little less aroused during the stretching, but just the brief touch of Bambam’s fingers on him has Yugyeom whimpering.

“And since you’re already nice and stretched, this,” he holds up a small purple device, “should slip right in.”

Immediately, Yugyeom is groaning at the intrusion. It definitely larger than Bambam’s fingers, but not by much, so he’s able to adjust pretty quickly. It’s… nice. It feels solid inside of him, something about the weight comforting and exciting all at once. He tells Bambam as much.

“I’m glad you feel that way,” he says, suddenly materializing what looks like some kind of remote in his hands.

“Oh _fuck_ ,” Yugyeom spits when the buzzing begins.

Now he’s _really_ thrashing, struggling against the bonds with everything he’s got. But Bambam must have planned this from the beginning, because the tightly tied knots aren’t budging anytime soon.

 _‘Isn’t this too much?_ ’, he thinks frantically. There was no way he was expected to be able to handle this. What was the line between pleasure and actual torment? It must be razor-thin, because _holy shit._

“You’re making the prettiest faces right now, gyeom,” Bambam sighs, “Knew you would. And see? Now I can make sure I’m not missing them.”

“Shit, bam, what _is_ this?” Yugyeom groans, barely even able to keep his eyes open. He doesn’t understand how it’s suddenly so much better. There had to be some kind of magic involved.

“Just a simple vibrator,” Bambam replies, toying with the machine, shifting it around inside of Yugyeom, “This time I’m just making sure to hit that sweet spot. Feels good, right?”

Yugyeom can’t even respond. He’s certain that if that strange ring wasn’t on him, he would’ve come by this point, no question.

“Aww, you gonna cry, Gyeomie? Go ahead. I like it, actually.”

“Fuck you, Bam,” Yugyeom gets out through gritted teeth, even as he clenches his eyes shut so tightly that white spots appear behind them.

Bambam clicks a button on the remote and the vibrations stop. Yugyeom’s chest heaves, and he’s genuinely on the brink of hyperventilation if he doesn’t get this under control soon. Bambam kisses the side of Yugyeom’s face, his jawline, his neck. “You’re doing so good for me. So beautiful, Gyeom, always but especially now. So grateful you’re letting me do this to you.”

Bambam can play Yugyeom like a fiddle, and that’s just something he’ll have to accept. His breathing returns to normal and he chases Bambam’s moving mouth, trying kiss him back. Yugyeom’s like a fucking dog, tripping over himself to jump at Bambam’s beck and call. If Bambam told him to drop to his knees and blow him in the middle of the café, Yugyeom would say “Spit or swallow?” And he _loves_ it.

(And maybe Yugyeom’s exaggerating a bit, but sue him. Bambam’s literally reinventing his entire conception of the universe here, he’s allowed to be as dramatic as he wants.)

Bambam reaches for a sleek, black silicone toy that looks a lot like a human penis. “And then I have this little beauty here,” he murmurs, holding it up to Yugyeom’s own dripping wet member.

“Look, it’s almost the same size as you!” he exclaims, like he’s genuinely excited by the revelation. Bambam purposefully lets it brush up against Yugyeom, pretending to think about it. Yugyeom isn’t proud when his cock twitches visibly. “Maybe a hair bigger. Either way, nothing to be ashamed of.”

He drags the instrument against Yugyeom’s still-slick hole, nudging insistently but never quite pushing in. Bambam is biting his lower lip. It looks painful, and he seems to be on the last threads of his admittedly iron clad self-control.

“Bambam,” Yugyeom mewls, “Can you take this thing off of me? Please?” The silent implication being “ _I want to come soon, and I can’t do that with this medieval torture device on me_ ”.

Bambam drops the toy to the side, reaching for Yugyeom like his body responded before his brain had the chance to. He glides the ring off, and Yugyeom is so sensitive, he nearly finishes on the spot. Wow, he needs to step up his game, or he’s about to lose Mark this bet.

“As much as I like playing with old reliable,” Bambam says into his ear, clearly talking about the toy, “I’m way too possessive to let the first cock that gets inside you be anyone’s but mine.” He punctuates his statement with a quick bite to Yugyeom’s earlobe, before he’s off fetching more lube.

Which means he brought out that last one _just_ to tease Yugyeom. He really wishes he could be surprised, but at this point…..Bambam hitches Yugyeom’s thighs up, giving him full access to everything he has going on back there, and scoots closer.

“I’m going in!” he announces, and yeah, there were probably sexier ways to say that, but Yugyeom doesn’t have time to think about that before he _feels_ it.

The pain isn’t agonizing, but it’s still enough to give Yugyeom pause. “Breathe,” Bambam says steadily, his hand a strong, welcome presence against Yugyeom’s trembling stomach. Bambam continues slowly, until there’s nowhere else to go, the two of them pressed flush against each other.

“How are you?” Bambam pants. His hands knead Yugyeom’s ass, clearly in need of something to distract himself. Yugyeom is savagely delighted to see the upper-hand slipping from Bambam’s grasp, finally showing how affected he is.

“I’m okay,” Yugyeom assures him, “You can keep going.”

Bambam looks at him with a new, sharp glint in his eye. “Say it’s good,” he says, no, _commands_.

Before Yugyeom has time to even speak, he’s drawing out and slamming back in. “ _Say it_.”

“It’s good!” Yugyeom squeaks, distracted with the indescribable feeling of being filled like this.

“Tell me you love it,” Bambam rambles on. He grabs Yugyeom’s leg so he can fuck into him even faster, at an even _better_ angle.

“I-I love it!” Yugyeom repeats, catching onto the game.

Bambam’s dick is dragging along, catching every point it needs to inside of him, but Yugyeom is still determined to prevail.

“I’ve been good, haven’t I?” Yugyeom tries. He already feels his own resolved slipping, so he needs to break out the big guns. “You’ve been teasing me for so long, but it’s finally your turn to have some fun, right? Just like you said.”

Whatever Yugyeom’s attempting is definitely doing it for Bambam, who cries out and picks up the pace yet again.

“I need you, Bambam. I need to give it to me, right now,” Yugyeom moans, on what he hopes is _just_ the right side of slutty. “Yes. Like that, please. Don’t stop.”

Bambam groans like a wounded animal. Yugyeom cracks open an eye to check; Yep, he’s eating it up. Apparently, all those actors and actresses in the pornography he watched talked that way for a reason. Bambam's face was living proof. Yugyeom wishes all those performers a very lovely evening, and maybe a nice bonus for their next films. 

“You have no shame,” Bambam moans, “I guess you wouldn’t, but still— _fuck_ ,”

“ _Attaboy, Yugyeom_ ,” Mark hypes him up. Yugyeom can hear excited chatter in the background. “ _You’ve got him on the ropes, now take us home!”_

“You’d say anything to come right now, wouldn’t you?” Bambam growls, and maybe this was the degradation thing Jinyoung was so crazy about. Yugyeom is able to see the appeal. "God, you're fucking _wrecked."_

Yugyeom rolls his hips back to meet Bambam. “Look at what you do to me, Bambam,” he murmurs, looking up at Bambam from underneath his lashes. It may be partly an act, but it’s really not that far off from how he’s currently feeling; he’s a fucking mess. Bambam grabs his cock and starts jerking him off like he’s trying to punish him.

Yugyeom’s moan is real this time, high-pitched and humiliating, but he refuses to break character. “S-so good to me. C’mon, just let go, Bamie. G-go ahead and come for me,” he keens, wanting to grip Bambam’s sweaty, red hair tight as he can. Stupid goddamn ribbons. 

Yugyeom can’t tear his eyes away as Bambam climaxes. His eyebrows draw up and delicious “ah’s” escape from his pink, bitten lips. He’s so gorgeous it hurts to look at. Like the sun, or… Bambam. Sex makes Yugyeom stupid, alright, how is he expected to come up with complex metaphors when he’s _this_ close to busting a nut?

Bambam pushes Yugyeom down on the bed and _bites the hell_ out of his neck, and that’s it.

“ _FUCK YEAH, YUGYEOM!_ ” Mark cheers, “ _They’re gonna write about you in textbooks, you beautiful bastard. Us: 1, Humans: 0!_ ”

“Well, Mr. Scientist,” Bambam pants, brushing through Yugyeom’s damp hair, “You’re definitely a fast learner, I’ll give you that much.” Yugyeom can’t stop himself from grinning.

“And I definitely still want you to fuck me too,” Bambam comments nonchalantly, flopping back onto the bed. Bambam never runs out of things to say to surprise him. Yugyeom’s pretty sure his brain reboots.

Bambam arches an eyebrow. “Aren’t you coming?” he asks, patting a spot over his bare chest.

"Maybe after you untie me?" Yugyeom waves his wrists around. _Oh shit,_ Bambam laughs, like he forgot, and moves to help.

When he's free, Yugyeom joins him, laying his head against Bambam. “Seems like I still have a lot to learn, huh?”

“Mhmmm,” Bambam murmurs drowsily. His thumb pokes Yugyeom’s mole, lazy but gentle. He must have memorized where it is. Yugyeom’s heart can’t take the level of adorableness.

“Guess I’ll just have to stay a while, then.”

Bambam presses a big kiss against Yugyeom’s temple. “Sounds like a plan to me.”

“Thanks for buying Mark a nice night out, by the way. He needs to get out of the house sometimes.”

"Hm? What's that?"

" _A goddamn hero, that's what you are. The both of you,"_ Mark sniffles.

Yugyeom snuggles in closer. “Don't worry about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left a wonderful, amazing comment, you're all just *mwah*
> 
> Also you can bet your ass Mark came to earth to fuck around too. You can't separate Markgyeom forever, it simply will not work <3


End file.
